In Which Karth Regrets Buying That Bug Zapper (no he doesn’t)

Let’s revisit the creepy market for spam peddling foreign dating! Really not a lot of new stuff this time, though we have enough hearts to make my teeth hurt just looking at it.

toomanyhearts

Poor Navi.

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In Which Karth Makes A Confession

So our latest contestant is from Society For Breathless Ravings About Dubious Remedies, As Written By Your Chronically Tweaked-Out Third Cousin (or SBRADRAWBYCTOTC–that’s way more pronounceable than I expected). Anyway, wanna know a weirder, but more likely to work, trick for reducing your blood pressure? Just cut down on the sodium.

*”Push the button, Karth.”

bloodpressure

In Which Karth Uncovers A Conspiracy Involving Batteries

So this one seems to bet on the relative technological illiteracy of the masses.  Folks, do NOT attempt anything this message implies*.  There’s a reason alkaline batteries have warnings printed on them urging you not to recharge them.  Plus rechargeable ones are pretty persnickety and contain substances that can be dangerous if tampered with.  Heed the manufacturer’s warning and don’t get sprayed in the face with battery acid.

battery

*this warning applies doubly if the posted image contains typos that add to the confusion.

Sponsored Contempt 1: Rotary Barbecued Chicken & Nocturnal Drumsticks at McDonalds

So y’all thought I just made fun of email spam, eh? Not exactly. Embedded ads can be a lucrative lolcow too, and this is episode one of Sponsored Contempt! See, ’cause the embedded ads are usually labeled “Sponsored content,” and I thoug…never mind, just cut to the ads.

chuckeribs
Suggest changing to:  “We’re not just about lousy pizza and heroin needles snakes urine in our ball pits!  We have chicken now!”

Yes, because when I think of Chuck E. Cheese, I think of delicious barbecue chicken. I most definitely don’t think of horrible pizza, nightmare fuel animatronics, loud flatulent kids and the occasional brawl. Good job guys, keep at it, you just might repair your image!


phone
Suggest changing to:  “Repair your own rotary phone and save!  Stick it to Ma Bell!”

Wait, landline companies are still a thing? I doubt it; they’ve moved onto mobile phones and/or internet service. I’d imagine rotary phone repair businesses would be more annoyed by the thought of people embracing DIY.


wtftaboola
Suggest changing to:  “Spend your tobacco settlement money at any of our 14,000 restaurants!”

Okay, I have no idea what this map has to do with the Tobacco Master Settlement Agreement. On the other hand, I have seen this graphic before. It was made to illustrate the locations of every McDonalds location in the continental United States. I don’t know. Maybe the lawsuit extended to McDonalds for its contribution to obesity and heart disease. Or maybe Taboola employs potheads who just happened to have a wicked case of the munchies when they were asked to make this ad. Curious choice of word there, “retribution.”


ym759qzpcgd7mhwd3nml
Suggest changing to:  “MMMBAWFBLAWGHGWAPFMNAGFFBLAFBLARGFZZZZZZzzzzzz…..”

That’s either Robert Wadlow’s head cavity or that drumstick is freakishly small even for something from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Either way, quit shoving chicken legs down your throat before bed and you won’t snore so damn loud. How’s that for a simple solution?

In Which Karth Finds A Silver Lining In A Heart Attack

According to some supplement makers, YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE A PAINFUL DEATH from a heart attack.   And the only way to save yourself is buy our Omega-3 fatty acid supplement.

 
physiotru

So a bit of digging finds a rating for the supplement. I didn’t list the pros and cons but the cons did sum up as “there are no cons to using this.” So I wonder how that explains the rating this supplement has?

physiotrurating

Mm-HMM.

In Which Karth ODs On Misspelled Viagra, Knocks Over Furn1tur3

Spam related to Viagra, Cialis and whatever else puts the Polska back in your Kielbasa, is about as ubiquitous as it gets. So I had to force myself to wait to blog more about it. But I can’t hold it anymore and thus have to fire off another entry.

montageleadin

 

Someone found themselves a thesaurus and dagnabbit, they’re gonna use it!  Still lots of room for ambiguity.  Games for awful adults, like say, Cards Against Humanity?  Awful games made for adults, like Ride To Hell:  Retribution?  Clarify for us, please?

 

montage1

Yeah, they’re getting mileage out of that thesaurus and presumably some sort of form-filling tool so these piles of digital lard appear different.  I do wonder just how far they’ll go in catering to the insecurities of a man with legitimate erectile dysfunction.  What’s next?  Insinuating, using clumsy English, that your partner’ll start cheating on you?

montage2

………

montagereaction

Why, there’s something for everybody here.

Inbox Saturation

One good thing about getting 60-70+ spam emails a day is the ability to find patterns in it, when multiple emails come from the same spammer (or use the same template). Here are the subjects for four spams I got in a matter of hours. I swear I had one instance where the entire inbox page was filled with the same spam email, but I have this for now. Submitted for your approval:

saturation

Exhibit B:

saturation2

The text for the second one:

07/31/2017

You were recently chosen as a potential candidate to represent your professional community in the new, Professional Organization of Women of Excellence Recognized. The premier networking organization for distinguished professionals.

Once finalized, your listing will share registry space with tens-of-thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe, each representing accomplishment within their own geographical area.

Remember, there is no cost to be included.

To verify your profile and accept the candidacy, please click here : [URL REDACTED]
On behalf of our Committee I salute your achievement and welcome you to our organization.

Best wishes for continued success.

Warm Regards,
Jessica D’Agostino
Membership Division
To unsubscribe please click here [URL REDACTED]

Huh, they only posted the long-ass URL twice. Who do I forward this to?

In Which Karth Allows A Cat To Do His Dirty Work

Is it really necessary to try to talk to a cat verbally? I’m not sure they care enough. If they want something, they’ll find a way to let you know. Still lovable little creatures no less.

catspeak

Also, cut it out with the fake buttons with the over-eager sounding labels. Your product isn’t all that great. I’ve seen toilet brushes I was more excited to buy.

In Which Karth Totally Doesn’t Encourage Readers To Taunt Venomous Spiders

There’s a huge market for “natural” weight loss remedies. Mainly because enough people buy into the craze. Folks, drinking a slurry of cucumber and decorative herbs before bed isn’t going to make you lose fat, unless you spell water and glycogen in a bizarre way.

dinnerdrink

Though I suppose the convulsions from neurotoxic spider venom might help you burn some calories DO NOT ANTAGONIZE VENOMOUS SPIDERS.