Sponsored Contempt 1: Rotary Barbecued Chicken & Nocturnal Drumsticks at McDonalds

So y’all thought I just made fun of email spam, eh? Not exactly. Embedded ads can be a lucrative lolcow too, and this is episode one of Sponsored Contempt! See, ’cause the embedded ads are usually labeled “Sponsored content,” and I thoug…never mind, just cut to the ads.

chuckeribs
Suggest changing to:  “We’re not just about lousy pizza and heroin needles snakes urine in our ball pits!  We have chicken now!”

Yes, because when I think of Chuck E. Cheese, I think of delicious barbecue chicken. I most definitely don’t think of horrible pizza, nightmare fuel animatronics, loud flatulent kids and the occasional brawl. Good job guys, keep at it, you just might repair your image!


phone
Suggest changing to:  “Repair your own rotary phone and save!  Stick it to Ma Bell!”

Wait, landline companies are still a thing? I doubt it; they’ve moved onto mobile phones and/or internet service. I’d imagine rotary phone repair businesses would be more annoyed by the thought of people embracing DIY.


wtftaboola
Suggest changing to:  “Spend your tobacco settlement money at any of our 14,000 restaurants!”

Okay, I have no idea what this map has to do with the Tobacco Master Settlement Agreement. On the other hand, I have seen this graphic before. It was made to illustrate the locations of every McDonalds location in the continental United States. I don’t know. Maybe the lawsuit extended to McDonalds for its contribution to obesity and heart disease. Or maybe Taboola employs potheads who just happened to have a wicked case of the munchies when they were asked to make this ad. Curious choice of word there, “retribution.”


ym759qzpcgd7mhwd3nml
Suggest changing to:  “MMMBAWFBLAWGHGWAPFMNAGFFBLAFBLARGFZZZZZZzzzzzz…..”

That’s either Robert Wadlow’s head cavity or that drumstick is freakishly small even for something from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Either way, quit shoving chicken legs down your throat before bed and you won’t snore so damn loud. How’s that for a simple solution?

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