In Which Karth Declares A Truce With The Genus Felis

I had a cat that would often pee in my bed. Sometimes when I was still sleeping in it. I’m 90% sure it wasn’t just that my feet were sweaty in the morning while the rest of me wasn’t. Then there was the time I caught the cat red-handed (red-pawed? yellow-blanketed? ammonia-scented?). It seems likely to me that the cat was doing so because I had infringed on its territory; before I rented the room, it had its bedding and litter box in it. Anyway, cats’ll pee where they want to pee and your little weird trick won’t do jack. You don’t own a cat. You LIVE with a cat.  Respect its territory and it won’t mark yours.

catpee

PS:  I nearly spelled it “genis” in the headline.  Sorry, Tales of Symphonia fans.

884781_original
You can’t have Tales Series reference.  Not yours.

Addendum: I’m seeing fewer and fewer spam emails of the variety that starts with a ginormous header in blue Impact typeface. The downside is I’m seeing more that just feature a ginormous ass pointed straight at me. I’m not sure what to think.

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In Which Karth Discovers The Answer To A Meme

Let’s start by getting the obvious tropes out of the way: easy sex and dating, and the typos and odd capitalization.

027- Penis Goes There

It is fun when the typos unwittingly produce a different, legitimate word though.

Not sure it’ll be too well received if I run into the building shown below and whip out my schwanz like the email advises I do (I’m sure it was a poorly-thought attempt to bypass some arcane spam filter, which produced the rather unfortunate result, a case of what I call “Megaflicks Syndrome”.)

PenisGoesWhere

penis goes there

Maybe I’d make a compelling case if I peed all over the email writer in the process. I’ll keep that in mind next time I go to a movie and get a huge soda.  There is all this drama because I’m not sure sending snail mail to a UPS store in Montana will take me off the spammer’s mailing list.

Mobile Developer’s Creativity Rating: Mostly Clueless

Dear freemium developers,

Quit presenting your game as “the most addicting game of the year.” Quit presenting your game as having features that aren’t in the actual game. And quit using graphics and footage from other, much better games to sell your crappy cash grab.

mostlyclueless

Counting down until Frontier Developments lays the smack down on this fly-by-night developer who piggybacks off a much better game to sell their…whatever it is.  Suckers couldn’t even afford to hire Kate Upton.  Sad!

I’m not 100% averse to mobile games anyway. I play games like Puzzle & Dragons and Final Fantasy: Record Keeper, both of which are freemium (though the latter is still quite free-to-play friendly). Just seems too many mobile developers don’t seem capable of pitching their game on its own merits. Guys, tells us why we should play your game, and be honest for once. Don’t be like Seven Pirates.

 

In Which Karth Protests The Idea Of Projecting One’s Sesquipedalophobia Upon One’s Dog

The raging war between Team Natural Ingredients and Team Evil Chemicals threatens to spill out into how we feed our pets.  Again, you’re afraid of things you cannot pronounce.  Doesn’t make them dangerous.  Also, where’s the proof of this conspiracy that Purina is hiding something about their product anyway?  I need citations, people! Hell, I might cry if my dog died, but then I remember she’s a black lab who’s 12 years old, going on 13 and realize she won’t suffer anymore. In the meantime, I’m not feeding her the crap you’re hawking just because it doesn’t have scary words on the packaging. That sort of life ain’t worth living.

Also, quit using the word “toxic.” It gets used so much nowadays it’s lost its meaning.

dogpoison

Also, apologies for the slow pace of posts. Working out the kinks in a new computer.

In Which Karth Makes A Confession

So our latest contestant is from Society For Breathless Ravings About Dubious Remedies, As Written By Your Chronically Tweaked-Out Third Cousin (or SBRADRAWBYCTOTC–that’s way more pronounceable than I expected). Anyway, wanna know a weirder, but more likely to work, trick for reducing your blood pressure? Just cut down on the sodium.

*”Push the button, Karth.”

bloodpressure

In Which Karth Uncovers A Conspiracy Involving Batteries

So this one seems to bet on the relative technological illiteracy of the masses.  Folks, do NOT attempt anything this message implies*.  There’s a reason alkaline batteries have warnings printed on them urging you not to recharge them.  Plus rechargeable ones are pretty persnickety and contain substances that can be dangerous if tampered with.  Heed the manufacturer’s warning and don’t get sprayed in the face with battery acid.

battery

*this warning applies doubly if the posted image contains typos that add to the confusion.

Sponsored Contempt 1: Rotary Barbecued Chicken & Nocturnal Drumsticks at McDonalds

So y’all thought I just made fun of email spam, eh? Not exactly. Embedded ads can be a lucrative lolcow too, and this is episode one of Sponsored Contempt! See, ’cause the embedded ads are usually labeled “Sponsored content,” and I thoug…never mind, just cut to the ads.

chuckeribs
Suggest changing to:  “We’re not just about lousy pizza and heroin needles snakes urine in our ball pits!  We have chicken now!”

Yes, because when I think of Chuck E. Cheese, I think of delicious barbecue chicken. I most definitely don’t think of horrible pizza, nightmare fuel animatronics, loud flatulent kids and the occasional brawl. Good job guys, keep at it, you just might repair your image!


phone
Suggest changing to:  “Repair your own rotary phone and save!  Stick it to Ma Bell!”

Wait, landline companies are still a thing? I doubt it; they’ve moved onto mobile phones and/or internet service. I’d imagine rotary phone repair businesses would be more annoyed by the thought of people embracing DIY.


wtftaboola
Suggest changing to:  “Spend your tobacco settlement money at any of our 14,000 restaurants!”

Okay, I have no idea what this map has to do with the Tobacco Master Settlement Agreement. On the other hand, I have seen this graphic before. It was made to illustrate the locations of every McDonalds location in the continental United States. I don’t know. Maybe the lawsuit extended to McDonalds for its contribution to obesity and heart disease. Or maybe Taboola employs potheads who just happened to have a wicked case of the munchies when they were asked to make this ad. Curious choice of word there, “retribution.”


ym759qzpcgd7mhwd3nml
Suggest changing to:  “MMMBAWFBLAWGHGWAPFMNAGFFBLAFBLARGFZZZZZZzzzzzz…..”

That’s either Robert Wadlow’s head cavity or that drumstick is freakishly small even for something from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Either way, quit shoving chicken legs down your throat before bed and you won’t snore so damn loud. How’s that for a simple solution?

In Which Karth Finds A Silver Lining In A Heart Attack

According to some supplement makers, YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE A PAINFUL DEATH from a heart attack.   And the only way to save yourself is buy our Omega-3 fatty acid supplement.

 
physiotru

So a bit of digging finds a rating for the supplement. I didn’t list the pros and cons but the cons did sum up as “there are no cons to using this.” So I wonder how that explains the rating this supplement has?

physiotrurating

Mm-HMM.